Kim's Journal
August 29, 2010
"Chase is going to Idaho"
The boys and I are leaving this week for a family gathering in Idaho. We'll be hiking, river rafting, exploring, visiting with family and probably causing some mischief along the way. With everyone being torn in different directions with the business of life, I am relishing the time away with my boys....especially holding them captive on this vacation. We will be taking some of Chase's ashes with us and on the 8th month anniversary of his passing, we will share a quiet moment together to set him free. Lately, when I walk Jozie to the harbor, there have been moments when a strong wind comes up and it takes my breath away. I know it is Chase. He is my hero and I so incredibly miss him.
God Bless you and yours, xoxo Kim
|
PLEASE SUPPORT CHANTELLE- IN MEMORY OF CHASE The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training | ||
 |
Click here to see Chantelle's fundraising page This has been one of the most stellar experiences of my life, but my overriding motivation is the scourge of cancer, this year even more. I chose this charity three years ago in support of Chase Quickel who was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia (AML). Chase passed earlier this year on January 5, but not without a fight; anyone that knew him or of his story knew that as well. His bravery, perseverance, and unbreakable spirit were and continue to be a true inspiration to all. Thank you so very much. Chantelle | |
posted by Kim at 1:28pm | link
August 05, 2010
"Loving and missing him"
Today, as many of you know, is 7 months since Chase passed in my arms. Last night I went to church and found myself kneeling and praying with a heavy heart. I know he was with me as I declared my missing him and sorrow over his death. I hope you feel him today and don't forget to have a mini bean and cheese burrito in his honor. I'm planning on going down to the beach and make it a quiet one. xoxo, Kim
posted by Kim at 3:57pm | link
July 19, 2010
"Another miracle"
Big changes.....I moved this week to Dana Point, time to breathe the ocean air, be close to the water and face the loss of Chase without distractions. It all happened within 2 days, with Dan moving into the house to spend more quality time with Cody. We will share time raising Cody together and that includes both the good times and the more challenging ones. This is the very first time in my entire life, I have ever lived alone. Pretty amazing at my age!!!! Anyway, as I prayed to God and then Chase last night, I asked Chase to come to me in my dreams. I just felt I needed him more and so thought I'd ask. I awoke early and decided to head to the harbor with Jozie for a long walk. We both had a fierce pace, now looking back, maybe we were subconsciously preparing for a miracle. And that is what we got....As we turned on the Harbor boardwalk, we faced a large boat coming in and it caught my attention. I am not sure why, maybe it was the sight of a single man and his lounging teenagers on this glorious Sunday morning. They were coming through the channel from presumably an early morning trip at sea. As the boat passed, my gaze followed until my heart almost leaped out of my chest as I read her name...CHASE 'N' DREAMS. I reached for Jozie and cried my eyes out. For those of you who may not know, our boat was 'Chasen' Dreams' named after Chase and his perpetual search for adventure. My eyes burned and I finally had to ask a kind passing man for a tissue. Chase may not have come in my dreams last night, but he definitely sent me a profound message. Today has been a tearful day and yet,this change will be good. I am confident Chase is in heaven creating miracles and if you are willing and able, they are there so keep the faith!! xoxo, Kim P.S. Please please support dandanbbq.com, Corey is the President and CEO and the traveling truck is on fire with GREAT food, prices and character.Don't miss this Asian fusion cuisine. GUARANTEED a winner!!!!!
posted by Kim at 1:15pm | link
July 07, 2010
"A Special 6 Month Gathering For Chase"
The open house, in honor of the 6 month anniversary of Chase's passing, began at 5 pm on July 5th, 2010. Guests arrived, lit a candle and said a prayer while viewing a large photo of Chase smiling brightly, with a full head of hair and sparkling eyes. A typical feast of mini bean and cheese burritos, rice, black beans, enchilada casserole, guacamole, salsa, chips plus various other tidbits were devoured by many. The mood was soothing as we inwardly remembered and outwardly reminisced about the life and plight of Chase. click here to continue
BELOW:
January 8th, 2010 .. Video of Chase's Memorial Service (90 minutes long)
posted by Kim at 7:10am | link
July 04, 2010
"Early Fourth of July Kick Off"
I woke up this morning anxious to get the day started. When we arrived at St. Paul's Church, the ambiance was peaceful, the church very charming and the parishioners welcoming. The Dueslers took up three pews and the service was very special. My cousin, Jack, was an acolyte and my Uncle Bart read scripture and also gave a brief history on Chase's fight over the last eight years with cancer. Dan and I went to the alter with the engraved lure which the minister blessed. My knees buckled and I tried to fight the tears but finally gave up. My hands were restless behind my back as I stood, witnessing yet another remarkable recognition of my son's amazing fight. Corey made Chase's favorite circle knot and attached the lure with strong line. He climbed this sturdy, old oak tree which stands proudly in the middle of the newly renewed garden in the sanctuary, compliments of the Dueslers. It is then, we all looked up to see the line being thrown and as the lure dangled from above the beautiful branches in this perfect setting, I silently thanked God for this moment and of course, for the time I did have with Chase. The morning was euphoric, followed by a family brunch. Thanks to all of the Duesler clan, you've made our first Fourth of July without Chase memorable. God Bless!!!!xoxo
posted by Kim at 9:40pm | link
July 01, 2010
"SPIRIT IN THE SKY..."
As we approach Fourth of July, I wanted to wish all of you a wonderful celebration. I am proud of our country and the foundation of democracy upon which we were built. We are blessed to be Americans and hopefully, you will say a mighty prayer of gratitude. On July 4th, I will start my early morning at a special service at St. Paul's Church in Tustin. A dedication for Chase will be given and following the service, an engraved fishing lure belonging to Chase will be planted in a special honorary garden created by family, i.e. the Duesler clan. On Monday, July 6th, Chase's 6 month, close friends and family will enjoy mini bean and cheese burritos during an open house at my place from 5-9 pm. My tears seem to be coming more at night, when I have a quiet moment to pray to Chase. Last night, rather than focus on his frail body resting those last moments in my arms, I imagined his grin and the times I do remember him laughing. It was helpful to ease the loss for that particular moment. I wish I could say, we are better but I can't. At the time of Chase’s passing, I think there was the initial relief that Chase was finally out of pain and at peace. Although those sentiments still exist, the pain and loss over time, ceases to subside. I JUST MISS MY SON SO INCREDIBLY MUCH...That’s all for now, Happy Fourth of July...Here's to our 'SPIRIT IN THE SKY.' God Bless You Chase.xoxo
posted by Kim at 7:10am | link
June 12, 2010
"Believe"
PROFOUND......God and Chase came to me today and you didn't have to be there to be a believer. Christine and I did our Saturday morning Dana Harbor walk, which started very routinely. I instructed her that I had added some miles for the walk and we set off to talk, laugh and exercise. Toward our departure from the Harbor, I began to talk about CHASE, at which point, a good looking man stopped, rolled down his window (as he was towing a fishing vessel) and handed us something..(THE PHOTO TO THE RIGHT). Christine looked at it first then handed it to me........It was a photo of a dolphin perching, and written boldly the words, "GOD LOVES YOU – John 3:16”......I immediately chased down the man and he stopped his vehicle and rolled down his window. I burst into tears and told him that my son had died 5 months ago at 3:16. He got out of his car and hugged me and we both cried. It was the kind of hug that could last you a life time. He told me my son was waiting to meet us and that, basically, time doesn't really matter in heaven and that when we get there everything is going to be fine.!!!!!!!!!!!! Then, as he departed, he invited me and 10 others to go find whales and dolphin. Today is surely a blessing and when I told Cody, we both cried together and at that moment..I knew Chase was watching...xoxo
P.S. Did you know that dolphins represent the souls of fishermen who have passed???
posted by Kim at 6:27pm | link
June 07, 2010
"Post Review of the Weekend"
What a fabulous time with my loved ones sharing together the finest of fun, laughter and naughty times. Without getting into the finite details, let it suffice to say, there was much shared by all and the details remain locked in confidentiality guidelines set forth by whomever....There are four major experiences I do wish to share. When my birthday cake came with the candle on it, I sat silently realizing that for the past 8 years, every year, my birthday wishes were consumed with a wish for Chase to survive, to thrive, and eventually, after his terminal diagnosis, to pass without pain. For the very first time, I wasn't saying a wish for Chasey and that brought me to profound tears. I was able to re-focus and prayed for Cody and that gave me some peace. On my birthday brunch, I was surrounded by 15 loved ones and as I looked around the table, I felt so blessed. I went to check my phone and the result was off the planet. My phone went directly to Chase on the screen!!!!!!!!!! It truly was divine intervention that Chase was sending me a birthday memo and as I announced it to the group, we were all met with astonishment and gratefulness. My dearest friend Lori, delivered a quilt at the brunch, with Chase's photo in the middle and attached squares of all his unique special interests. At that point, there wasn't a dry eye in the restaurant. As we held hands and prayed together, Chase filled our hearts with confirmation of his life, death and loss. Finally, as we celebrated my birthday and Chase's 5 month anniversary of his passing, I ran into a wise woman who undoubtedly, was a meant to be. She basically left me with these words of advice......She told me not to rush, that I have more to do on this earth and that Chase will be there waiting when it is my time to go.......It still gives me chills to think of her words. I guess I will still keep doing what I need to do but I think, No I KNOW, I am going to live what Chase taught us all...I am going to enjoy each and every day I get, because you just never know how many more you will have. God Bless all of you and thank you as a whole, for your support, prayers and birthday wishes.... xoxo aka 'The Old Bag'
posted by Kim at 9:18am | link
June 03, 2010
"June 5th, 2010"
I am writing in advance to honor my son, Chase, who as you know on this date, passed away at 3:16 am in my arms. I held his hand that was so ever warm and caressed and kissed it but at that moment, in this room, with his dad and three brothers sleeping, I screamed out to them in pure disbelief and denial, "Chase is gone.." and thus he was,....Chasey was dead. They arose like soldiers..standing upright, comforting me and crying incessantly....Yes, our beloved hero had finally gone with the most painful and difficult disease called CANCER. (If you have to pick a cause, please put your efforts in acute childhood cancer charities, Make a Wish, and the Leukemia society foundation, etc.) It has been a time to move on but the progress is slow. Family members are going through individual crises. SATURDAY, I will spend the weekend with my close friends but it will also be the 5-month anniversary of Chase's death. I want you all to know I pray for him and all people in turmoil everyday. If you have asked me how I am doing, I have said okay or fine. I am no longer going to lie and hence, you no longer have to ask. I MISS MY CHASEY EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE. I cry for hours everyday , I am high functioning at work and in situations I am required to be at my best. But the bottom line is, I miss Chase and if it weren't for my other children, I probably wouldn't be keeping my head above water. The good news, I still have my sense of humor and even tonight, at $1 tacos at El Cortez, Pam and I remained cougars and hit the lottery...more gossip to follow...xoxo
posted by Kim at 8:24am | link
May 09, 2010
"First Mother's Day without Chase"
Yesterday, my request was to have the boys clean the garage and fill the dumpster as my Mother's Day present .. although it started a bit rushed, it ended up being organized and a relished afternoon ...So, today, Mother's Day, we headed out for church, our first without Chase. When I went for a run this morning the wind came howling and I felt it was Chase. The air kept twirling around me, it was really amazing. I silently said to myself I didn't need a sign but Chase told me he needed to remind me he wasn't sick anymore. He said he was healthy and free. I guess that is when I said to myself, Kim, you miss him but he really is okay...... Anyway....on to this moment...... We went to church, had a great sermon, brunch, and later Cody had a one on one with me that made the world stand still. His words of accountability and genuine responsibility were remarkable. There is such a void today without Chase. Lori made this awesome framed collage and placed it in my room. When Cody and I saw it we both broke down and cried.. In each photo Chase is smiling from childhood on, and Cody remarked it catches so many phases of Chase’s life..... Tonight Cody requests to sleep with this collage of memories....My vote is yes and so be it.. xoxoxoxo.. A Mother and a son who is a Warrior
Click here to see the Collage
posted by Kim at 10:22pm | link
